Can yoga make us better listeners? Lately, I have been thinking about being a better listener, versus being a fixer. I am a fixer. If a friend or family member approaches me in distress, I immediately want to find a solution and have them embrace it. Full stop. All fixed. Done. Of course, life is not that simple, and sometimes just being there and listening is far more helpful. The problem is, most of us do not listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply (or to fix).
I try to be a good listener. When people talk to me about their challenges or what is happening their life, I listen carefully. My downfall, I suspect, is that I immediately want to find a solution if there is an issue at hand. I also sometimes interrupt. I don’t think I do it because I want to over talk people, it is usually because I want to know a detail or some intervening tidbit that can help me understand what they are saying. However well intended, it can break a person’s train of thought, and it does not allow for them to freely tell their story and be present with their feelings. I try very hard not to be that person that is just waiting to interject an anecdote about how the same issue impacted them. Sigh. However I think I do do it sometimes. I know the best course is to let people be in the moment, let their emotions be evident and let their telling run its natural course.
As I try to evolve as a good listener, I am working on understanding that when people talk, it is primarily to be seen and heard but not necessarily to be presented with a solution or advice. Allowing them to just know you are there for them while giving them the respect and time their story deserves, is the response that they want and need. As a self proclaimed problem solver, I have to gag myself and be mindful that they do not want the benefit of my wisdom, they just want a quiet, compassionate listener. Quiet listening speaks louder than well intentioned advice.
Many of us likely do the same things with ourselves. Rather than allowing ourselves to explore our feelings, we try to “cheer ourselves up”, indulging in activities to keep ourselves busy, “take our minds off it”, mask our emotions; in these times we are not “listening” to ourselves. We may keep ourselves constantly in motion and socializing, avoiding being alone with our personal stories; avoiding doing the work that is so difficult. Maybe we turn to retail therapy or self-medicating to mask our emotions. I learned a long time ago that for me, alcohol and sadness do not mix well causing the emotions to boomerang back, exacerbated by self-loathing when I don’t feel great the next day! These solutions can dull the pain in the moment, however, without giving ourselves time to explore and understand our emotions means they are still there, not addressed, and come surging back with a vengeance.
Maybe as we work to become better listeners, we work on being alone and present with our thoughts, feelings and emotions, working through the process with thoughtful meditation and exploration. We will grow in our own lives, understanding ourselves better and do some work to be the healthiest versions of ourselves. As we improve our internal listening, we will become better listeners to those who depend on us.
Perhaps this week think about honing your listening skills, both inward and outward. When listening to others, perhaps step out of fix-it mode, take a breath and offer your intentions via good energy. By sitting and listening, your intention will be heard louder and remembered more clearly than a collection of words strung together. The simple gesture is not easy but is a gift to be given, usually people actually know "the fix", they just want someone to listen.
I found the following article on the topic a good reminder.
Our Practice - (Supported) Matsyasana (Fish Pose)
Research indicates that exercise can have a positive impact on hearing. As blood circulation improves to the ear and brain, damage to the neurotransmitters is prevented. Nerve function increase and there may be flushing of toxins. This particular pose involves arching the back and tilting the head backward to create a gentle stretch in the neck and throat. By opening up the throat and neck regions, Matsyasana can improve blood circulation to the ears, thus aiding in auditory function. While this may improve physical hearing, the symbolism of opening the heart and chest with this backbend invokes receptivity to listening closely.
In class this week we will do both supported and non supported fish, both options deliver the heart opening benefits!
Lie down on your back, legs long, arms alongside the body.
Lift your hips and slide your hands underneath the upper buttocks palms down on the mat.
Inhale and press into your elbows and shoulders, lifting the chest. bring either the back or the top of the head to the floor pressing down on the forearms and hands so there is little weight on your head or neck.
Extend through the heels, with a slight inner rotation of the upper legs.
To come out of the pose, press your elbows down to lift your head and gently place your spine down on the mat.
I liked this article on using some of our yoga practice techniques to improve our listening.
Meditating on Listening – To Others (and Ourselves)
Listening is a rare happening among human beings. You cannot listen to the word another is speaking if you are preoccupied with your appearance, or with impressing the other, or are trying to decide what you are going to say when the other stops talking or are debating about whether what is being said is true or relevant or agreeable.… Listening is a primitive act of love in which a person gives himself to another’s word, making himself accessible and vulnerable to that word. – William Stringfellow, Count It All Joy
I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen. - Ernest Hemingway
Frank William Stringfellow (April 26, 1928 – March 2, 1985) was an American lay theologian. He was active mostly during the 1960s and 1970s. At the 1962 Ecumenical Study Conference of the United Christian Youth Movement, he presented from his work, 'Count It All Joy' which offered meditations on major themes from the book of James, such as the juxtaposition of faith and good works in the Christian life.
See you on the mat,
Namaste,
Julia Anne
Thank you Julia Anne, we had an excellent class and teacher! I just started an Edith Wharton book, "The Mother's Recompense" After a week with a lover in the French country side which was never repeated, the character Kate "remembers how sure she had been that she was meant to live in a farm and keep chickens"... "every fibre in her kept its glow. But she didn't believe in it" ... " and it was to escape from reality and durability and one plunged into cards, gossip, flirtation and all the artificial excitements which society did lavishly provides for people who want to forget."
It felt like a synchronicity that made me think of our practice! When we listen to…